I feel as if I've lost everything

[AloneandConfused]

Every day I'm fighting thoughts of suicide. I'm trying to stay strong but its so hard. I've lost my boyfriend and my friends and really its all my fault. I'm finding it so hard to continue on without them. (I wrote about the whole story of what happened in the support forum under - do people deserve second chances). I'm struggling with my worth, if I deserve a second chance, why don't people see it? If I am a good person and just developed this bad behaviour because of a rape, why can't people understand that trauma sometimes does crazy things to our minds. Am I not worth forgiving to the person I love. The person whom I thought I was going to be with. I'm 22 - so perhaps a bit older than some of you, and my ex was 5 years old, so we're at an age where forgiveness and understanding should be there, but because I betrayed his trust maybe its just too unrealistic. If he doesn't think I'm worth it - who will. Honestly, I just have no idea what to do. He is such an understanding and great guy and I'm just lost in what I've done to him and what I've done to myself. I wish I could rip my heart out and just show him how truly sorry I am - how much I'm fighting to get better, but part of me feels he'd be happier if I were dead - relieved.

[AloneandConfused]

...I'm just feeling worse and worse as the day goes on...I have a family event to go to but I feel like after that is maybe the perfect time to end it - maybe after I see all my family members it can be a way to say goodbye. I just don' t know what to do anymore, and no one knows what to say to me. What am I supposed to do?

[AdamWood]

You are still young, you will have your chances trust me. I havent given up on you, dont feel ashamed for what someone done to you what has happened to you. We cannot change our past but we can write out future.Maybe it feels like you have nothing left, you just havent seen so much thats only hidden to you. Dont say good-bye, talk to me ill be here.

[AloneandConfused]

Honestly, I don't want to say goodbye but I have no idea how to move forward without my best friends and my ex-boyfriend. I mean I messed up - true - I hurt myself and other people - so I'm getting help - but no one else sees it, no one else believes it. I'm really trying, its been a month and half and honestly I can't ride it out anymore. I do have nothing left. Yes my family does know about this issue and my mom is supportive, but no one understands. I have no idea what to do when no one will give me a shot. And these are supposed to be the people who love me.

[AdamWood]

Perhaps it is just that, times are tough not just on yourself but your loved ones aswell i think its clear they love you but things are clouded they may not understand this situation and its only natural to push-away. you have lasted this long, your resilient you keep coming looking for answers your looking for the way to transcend all this. You have given yourself this chance, i have given you this chance. You do have something for you have given me this chance and I am here. You will find friends in the most unlikely of places open yourself up for the their will be ones who do not see you for they are in the dark, but there will be those who would see everything.

[AloneandConfused]

Ultimately I know I don't want to hurt myself, I just get in these down deep modes of depression where I feel scared that I might. I start to feel as if my loved ones would be relieved if I was dead.


It scares me that I think that way and it scares me that I am striving for their support. I know thus far I've gotten through this on my own, but honestly its been hell. I feel like they all have each other and I have no one. Understanding is all I want, and understanding is not what I'm getting. People must think I'm sick and be angry but thats exactly it - I didn't deal with something and it did indeed make me sick, but it doesn't mean I'm any less worthy of love and support - and if I don't get it from the people who care most, who is going to give it? No one. That's when I get deep depression because without them around, they enable me to feel exactly what I've been feeling for the 2 years after the rape - I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy of love.

[AdamWood]

These are the hardest things to go through, being raped must make you feel like you arent worth anything anymore and we can only assume the men who do it, do it so that they feel that power over you they are the ones who are selfish bastards. You are worth it and i see your words there is nothing wrong with you but this struggle to overcome this, Its all about you feeling like your worth it. I think i posted it at some time but what i said was im sensitive to other peoples feelings i have an attachment, this love for people and its what makes everything so difficult for me. but i think this makes it so much easier to be insightful to those who are struggling in their own feelings. Do not give up because in that sense i am right there with you, this is our struggle. I find it most interesting however that i do not feel this way about my mother and my sister I cannot see how they are feeling and that really makes it hard but i can feel for everyone else. Its not so important to be strong but to feel strong, i am tied to this when you keep moving along i will aswell feel strong.

[AdamWood]

I just wanted you to know im thinking about this and i know i would hate to see you gone. I think music sometimes helps so i chose a song for you.

Barenaked Ladies - Call & Answer

I think it's getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think I only think about you
When were both in the same room
You think Im only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
Best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
To me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home.

But Im warning you, don't ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucity you
Now it's time to prove that youve come back
Here to rebuild.

[AloneandConfused]

Thank you for your response, but I'm really slipping right now. It keeps getting worse and its really nice that you want to be my friend and be there for me through this, but it still hurts that those who I love aren't around me. I can't fix this. That's the hardest realization. I just honestly feel as if I can't live with this pain anymore, it isn't going to get better, and even if I get better to everyone, I'll always be a liar. I'll alwasy be a horrible person. No one would notice if I was gone. What's the point?

There isn't one.

[AdamWood]

I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part. There will always be ups and downs you think they are not there but they are your just not there with them. You are making it clear your You are worth it and i see your words there is nothing wrong with you but this struggle to overcome this, Its all about you feeling like your worth it*. keep looking =D

[AloneandConfused]

I know its the hardest part right now. I just don't know how to live through this pain. Immediate support is my mom and therapist but obviously they aren't always there and with my mom I can only tell her I want to kill myself so many times - I just keep hurting her. I feel so toxic. If everyone in my life has pushed me away then I should push myself down. They don't care about me - and they think I don't care about them. I'm so screwed up. I'll always be the liar. I'll never lose that label. Even if I work so hard and 10 years from now I'm a totally different person - I'll still be untrustworthy.

I don't deserve anything.

[Support Team]

Dear AloneandConfused,

Have you ever heard of a concept called perceived isolation? It may be something that you relate to. Perceived isolation describes feeling isolated even when there are people around that care and want to support. Like feeling alone in a room full of family members....it's not something uncommon for people who are having thoughts of suicide. Suicide is such an intense and personal struggle. So much so that one person is unlikely to ever completely and entirely understand another person's struggle with suicide. It's important to know that even though each struggle in unique, there are commonalities. For example, someone may not completely understand someone's pain but may understand what pain feels like and that can be what connects people. How do you feel about that?

Also, I'm not sure if you've ever heard of ambivalence before but it's used well to describe the struggle implicated with suicide. Basically ambivalence represents how suicide is a struggle between wanting to live and wanting to die but is ultimately about wanting to end the pain. Looking at it this way it can be easier to see how pain can be so powerful...powerful enough to feel like suicide is the only way to get away from it. But such intense emotional pain (as in your case from the sounds of it) can change. It's not something that is always apparent and can take some serious reflection. Do you see any changes in the pain you felt when the truth was still secret from your bf/mother, the pain at the beginning of your treatment, and the pain now?

It's also important to know that there's something else that is just as powerful as pain and that's the will to live. Sometimes it can be easy to lose sight of this during times of crisis especially when someone has had numerous periods of crisis. But the other side of ambivalence is the wanting to live part. And this can look like so many different things. From something simple like really enjoying hot tea and honey to having a passion for a certain hobby. These are things that can be forgotten about but are so important because they remind people that there are things in their past, present, and future that are worth living for even in times of pain. What do you or have you enjoyed or loved in life?

Keep pushing through,
The Support Team

[AloneandConfused]

I think the idea of perceived isolation makes perfect sense. I think I do have support from people but I feel like because they aren't around me or talking to me that it isn't support. I mean yes my mother and my therapist are there for me so that is support. I think I felt very abandoned when my ex bf said he couldn't contact me and my best friends said the same - that makes me feel as if they're unsupportive when perhaps they just need their time to heal and probably think they can't help me. I think they want to support me but at this point due to their own hurt they don't know how.

As for the pain, I feel like I have very big highs and very big lows. Yes I do notice a difference from when their all first came out. I am very dedicated to changing my behaviour but I feel discouraged because people aren't telling me I'm doing well people aren't noticing changes in me when I notice changes. Maybe that in itself is a need for attention. I'm not sure, I just feel like I want or need someone to believe in me, and maybe that lies from the doubt I have in my own worth.

I'm struggling because I feel like I let the rape and that person control my life for 2 years after it happened. I feel like it wrecked the one person I saw myself with as much damage as I caused. I guess I feel pretty pathetic right now myself. I'm beating myself up for my mistakes because to me they are mistakes but I fear others see it as a lifestyle that cannot be altered.

I truly think more awareness needs to be brought about in regards to recovery of compulsive lying - but maybe so many people truly come out of it and thats why their isn't any. I've been wearing a ring that my parents gave me and I wear it as a symbol of honesty. Wehn I am at work or school or wherever, I can feel the ring on my finger and it reminds me to think pause and be honest.

[AloneandConfused]

So I was starting to feel more positive about my situation, but I'm slipping again. I'm slipping because I know everyone thinks I'm a lie. I'm sure my ex-boyfriend thinks our whole relationship was a lie. Honestly, what am I going to do? All I can think about is ending it before the new year, because I have nothing to look forward to other than problems and scrutiny. No one who loves me. No one who sees how strong I have been. I don't want to give up but I feel like those who have walked out of my life want me to give up, want me to feel the pain their feel. Want me to never be in their life. I think I created false hope when my ex-boyfriend added couple pictures of us to facebook a few weeks ago, thinking he may still love me - but he doesn't, he can't - how can you love someone who lies to you. How can you love someone who hurt you. He didn't email me or call me to wish me a merry christmas and from that point on I realized I am just hoping for something that is never going to happen.

I feel more alone than ever and I feel that this whole process has made me feel really insecure and will probably lead to me being anti-social. No one will ever love me because of this problem. I was distracted in thinking that I was worthy of someone loving me despite my problem >well I'm worthy of nothing. Even if I get over this problem and change it will always be a part of my past and unfortunately I'm sure most people will never accept me for that. What's worse is I contracted HPV while I was with my most recent boyfriend (the one who just broke up with me because of lies) and I know the dating world is harsh and I probably won't find anyone willing to date me. I seriously feel like something is so wrong with me that I'm toxic and unwanted. I just feel ultiamtely like I don't have it in me to continue this cycle of self-destruction and self-loathing and the loss of important relationships. I'm afraid to repeat the mistakes. I'm discouraged due to no belief in me. I feel numb.

[Support Team]

Dear AloneandConfused,

Sounds like you've hit a low. You mentioned that you had thought about ending it before the News Years, had you thought of how you would commit suicide?

I'm hearing that a lot of your pain has to do with losses. The loss of relationships, the loss of your self esteem, among others. Loss can be especially damaging because each loss can combine with the next and pile up until it reaches an overwhelming point. A point at which negative feelings like being overwhelmed, lonely, anxious can disconnect a person from the positive side of the struggle. You've mentioned you feel discouraged and worthless. Can you tell me a little more about how you feel during a particularly dark time during the day?

Also, it's not uncommon to feel numb. You've been going through a lot lately and working really hard. It's reasonable.

You said you feel toxic and unwanted as well. Those feelings are really painful and it's normal that they've left you feeling discouraged. But on the other side you've said that you've made changes in your life and that you wish someone would see them. What other feelings do you have toward the changes you've made in your life?

Stay strong, as you've described, you have big highs and big lows. So there is a high point coming in the future.

Sincerely,

The Support Team

[mentalica1102]

thanks all for your post!they're very great
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